The Dark Art of Manspreading
Picture the scene: You are sat on an underground train as it judders through the subterranean environment beneath a mutating metropolis, the doors clatter open and into the train steps a man who proceeds to sit down and spread his legs generously over the seating opposite as if he was trying to claim it as his territory – a powerful symbol of manliness it is. But, in his attempt to acquiesce new accommodation, our male friend is guilty of one of the most indictable offences in today’s world. He is a perpetrator of manspreading.
“What a vile symbol of male dominance” exclaim his co-passengers, who as a result of his seemingly limitless greed, are compelled to stand, fully aware that beneath the recently acquired territory of the man’s legs resides another seat that could comfortably house their derrières.
Manspreading came to particular prominence during senior school assembly today when we all looked on in utter shock as the male members of the senior prefect team flung their legs wide apart with total disregard for their neighbours. One could almost sense the testosterone oozing from the stage as they competed to perform the optimum manspread. Perhaps they hold the perverted belief that resemblance to an inebriated orang-utan is a characteristic that girls search for in their partners.
“What a vile symbol of male dominance” ~ Evan Elpus
In times of crisis such as these, The Bournemouthian considers itself to have a moral duty to remove the blindfold from the eyes of the manspreaders and demonstrate how both men and women can cohabit without undue subordination. Rather than laying claim to adjacent chairs, males should occupy the seating with consideration – normally effectuated by crossing the legs or simply sitting in such a way as to not personify a collapsed Eiffel Tower – thus leaving adequate room for female students too. After all, they would undoubtedly prefer access to chairs, over the ghastly sight of manspreading.